he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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