I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
