dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
