There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Come on in and take your pants off
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