I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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