His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
