i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
