He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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