When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
