ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You can't special order awesome
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
