Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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