My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
