I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
