If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
