she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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