it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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