I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
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My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
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Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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