i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
