when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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