I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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