the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
