Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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