If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
