It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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