Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
