I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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