it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
