the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
