i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
