6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
A+ Viking dick
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
