I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
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