Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
