Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
