When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
