I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
