I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
