shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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