the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
