so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
