And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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