I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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