he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
