I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she told me i tasted like america
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
