my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
