stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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