did you get engaged???
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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