found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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