I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
