Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
