If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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