There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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