So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i will never coherently bang her
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
