Just mADE A PArabola og urine
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
