Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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