Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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