WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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