I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
