yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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