Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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